Sunday confessions
While I am not of the Catholic faith by any means (I am a very liberal (for the most part) Protestant/ Presbyterian) I do like the idea of confessing in general. I feel like it allows us to get rid of things have been weighing us down and release ourselves from that often times self imposed guilt (obviously).
So here goes:
Sometimes I use a boxed mix in my cupcakes.
There I admitted it. Happy?
Which leads me to my next confession, Sometimes I wish I was a “pinterest perfect mom” … If they really can do all that cooking/ crafting/ and DIYing like their blogs and Pinterest accounts say they can then they are superfantastic! And I am jealous because I know I have talents in those areas but not like them.
Once in a while I want to watch Twilight
(I am so embarrassed to admit that. I give twihard fans a LOT of crap (all in the spirit of jest of course) but every once and a while… I just want to see some really sappy crappy love story that isnt written by Nicolas Sparks (he is seriously THE WORST)
One time I kissed a girl. Well she kissed me. It was my 22nd birthday and I was very intoxicated, but still I kissed her back (that’s not the confession because it was in front of a whole slew of people)
The confession… I kind of liked it. I will say based off that kiss that I can see why girls say “girls are better lovers because we know what another girl wants” I am just being honest, it was a really good kiss. Go ahead. Judge away. I am sure many of you have done something taboo or “sinned” (remember all sins are created equal according to the bible) while drunk too, and if you haven’t well then… poo poo to you, have a fricken cookie with Jesus. I know Jesus still loves me, and I know He doesn’t really care who we love as long as we follow his example. (told you I was pretty liberal)
Back to confessing, I will get serious now. Enough with the little ones. These are some things that weigh me down quite considerably on a frequent basis.
I had a very steamy sex dream about Jensen Ackles (the actor who plays Dean Winchester in Supernatural and if you didn’t know that we cant be friends) when I was pregnant. (This one is no secret, I tell my friends about it. But I still feel very guilty for it because of how I am. I am VERY old fashioned in my way of looking at love and I carry guilt with this because I feel like a part of me cheated on my husband whom I love so much. yea… most would call me nuts for feeling that but most dont have my old world view on love. I honestly don’t watch porn because I only want to see my husband, nor do I drool over other men because to me they will never measure up to how wonderfully attractive I find my mate. So for me to have had a dream like this is a bfd to me. It makes me question my loyalty and love because once I fall in love I never look at another man with lust in my heart. Once I am in love that person is it for me. I am like a horse with blinders on and all I see is who I love.) Everyone tells me it was just crazy pregnancy hormones but… that doesn’t really make me feel less guilty.
I yelled at our son once.
Yep. I yelled at a baby. I know that is horrible, I will always feel like shit for it. I will always be sorry for it. Judge away if you must.
I don’t mean to. (well thats not entirely true… the ones who do really obviously dumb stuff are judged on purpose). But sometimes I find myself judging really good moms, or comparing myself to them. (I know I have talked about that in other posts. I just want to come clean that I do it).
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t a mom right now.
I know. I know. How can I feel that? Our son is a miracle and he is beautiful. He lights up my day even when I feel like death (mainly because he kept me up all night but that is beside the point. He is worth it). Not that I dont love our son with everything I have, but sometimes I wish we would have waited a little bit longer. We were married in September of 2012 and our son was born in September of 2013… So we didn’t even have a full year of marriage without being pregnant and parents. I wish I would have taken more time to enjoy married life, to revel in it. To explore the new world of being married with my husband and to truly appreciate what being a husband and wife means. I figured since we had a long engagement and had been living together / paying bills together for the vast majority of our relationship we didn’t need to wait. Plus there were potential medical issues so we just went for it. I don’t doubt our readiness to be parents (we were/ are as prepared as one can be) I just wish we got to be just the two of us for a little longer.
I have resented becoming a mother because of the toll it took on my body.
I am sorry but when I look my body and see that scar… I feel disgusting. I feel gross. I feel fear. I feel shame. insert “Tiger who earned her” stripes cliche… Yes, I know it was necessary to get our son out ASAP. But now there is this big red angry line marring my body. It still hurts from time to time. It is a constant reminder of a feeling of failure, or worse of a fear that we cheated Death out of our son so we better be on our guard. (yea silly to some but try going through what we did and not being paranoid).
I will end this on a light note because I don’t want to have this always be a super serious blog.
I secretly eat some of my husband’s junk food and deny it. … and then convince him he doesn’t remember eating it. I will say something like “No dear, you had some last night when you got home… and you left your wrappers on the side of the couch… for me to pick up. Ya buttface :p.” or “You know I don’t even like fruity candy… so why would I eat that?” (It is true I don’t like fruity candy, he does, but sometimes I just crave some damn sugar). Devious and manipulative. Worst wife award right here.
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